My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
