How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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