This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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