Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
