I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
