At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
