You work out of a Hotel?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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