Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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