I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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