I wish I could teleport
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
