those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
