is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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