Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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