Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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