How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
