wakey wakey hands off snakey
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
i need some magic done to my vagina
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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