Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
