I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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