God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
