life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I just had sex on a roof
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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