You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
