Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Randomize
