we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
