i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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