I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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