I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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