before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Shame is for Republicans.
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