i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
