she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
