i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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