its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
This is the prime rib incident all over again
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
