Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
