I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
this hospital has no fireball
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
