Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
