My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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