Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
it's like heaven, but drunker
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
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