I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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