i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
