Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
