i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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