I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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