My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
