I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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