I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
