why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
