did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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