Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
