How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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