you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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