Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
