I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
