I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize