remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
