all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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