If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
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