life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
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