I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
