Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Well I just put wine in my tea
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
