I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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