a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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