Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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