Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I think people are normalizing furries
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize